Ensuing decision

I was waiting to go to Kolkata and now that am back from there , there has been a certain revelation which dawned upon me. I realized that more than actually wanting to meet special I wanted to be in Kharagpur which made me ponder upon the basic fact that isn't that is what is true love or anything of that sort defined as? Now that such a basic query about my fealty when raised I am forced to invoke the blogger in me. The most basic of the questions rushed through my mind such as why is it that I am all of sudden longing to "be" with special? Is it that I am missing college life a little too much and the corporate life has made my life as mundane as it possibly can, in order to recompense for all the aforementioned? Is it because special still remains an enigma to me and the eagerness to solve this esoteric puzzle is driving the urge? Such is what happens when you far away from the close friends who form the part of the core group which can advise you on anything ranging from heaven to hell? May be its the tendentious ME who just wants to compete with others and in this mad rat race I am forcing this decision upon myself. As one of my fellow bloggers says that before every important decision there is a special requirement of solitude because it is YOU who will have to take the decision whatever it may be ... No one else can take it for you, but before that phase of solitude you need the act of advising from the so called core group and the bereavement of that group has totally dis-balanced the delicate equilibrium of my emotional fettle.

I find that everywhere there is utter chaos and disorder. Its a totally anarchical world out there and I have become a part of that world, but I feel totally out of place, lost in the wilderness. My situation can very well be compared with that of the animals who get lost on an isolated island who had previously spent their lives in the cocoon of a zoo and automatically assumed it to be the world! Kharagpur is such a place where no foible is an idiosyncrasy and no quirk is such that would surprise anyone. It almost feels like that from a cosmopolitan society I have been thrown into a parochial one, however these could not be the reasons which are forcing me to profoundly analyze why I am being forced (by the surroundings, obsequies/prudent, etc.) into acceding to something which is still inchoate?

The most plausible answer to these questions is the sudden yanking into the REAL world which has made me skeptic about most basic things in life (which by the virtue of me being an Engineer was never a prowess) ... So I have decided to take a sabbatical (from such thoughts) and to divert this energy elsewhere and see what ensues

Closure ... Reality or Myth?

I know what the 2 previous blogs felt like were almost a cheap rip-off of Karan Johar's कुछ कुछ होता है however what I would like to point out here is that there are some key differences between KKHH and whatever I had written in the previous two posts. First, one of the very key differences is that unlike KKHH this is happening in real and that it is no longer a college story and one of the other differences is that SRK was a stud in his college, well me? I was a stud in ... wait ...

One other reference to the real world before I begin is that I have been hearing complaints that I have been really laconic, so this time I will give it my best shot to really cause vexation with this blog.

So, till the last post I had no clue what I would be doing and prudent and obsequies had left me totally discombobulated. Now with that befuddlement of an approach I thought that I should pay heed to both and just proceed with whatever I have in my grasp for the ephemeral duration of time. So, as suggested by prudent (to contact special) and obsequies (to contact friend), I tried my best to contact them both and get the closure as a badge and wear it proudly. (If you are wondering ... yes the mentor has come today and there has been a lot of work this week however I am trying my best not to think about it at all, so this was the last and the end of my mentioning about work in this post). So I tried to contact both special and friend and apparently friend was able to make out the reference from the blog that she was being referred to (yes blogs are open to all!) and there is an icing on the cake as well, she was not at all perturbed by her being on the page (shown by me referring that here :P ). I think that obsequies was actually not obsequies and actually did a wonderful thing by giving me the idea to contact her, we can really just discuss et al. in this world and not give a damn about what others think ...

As far as special is concerned I dont know what is the state of mind she is in. There are a lot of mixed signals which I get which infact can be from the fact that I am pusillanimous enough not to share what I know has been the sorry state of my mind with her. So, I continue to live in the world of my own dreams, but I assure the readers the closure is fast approaching and I am sure that I will not mess up this time and will arrive at a situation where I have the coveted closure.

Apart from all these things there are a lot of things happening in our lives as we are all "new joinees". An employee of a company which pays obnoxiously high gallons of money once said after returning at 12o' clock from the office that you people may be frustated because of closure ... no closure I am frustated because when I wake up there is no one left in the house and when I come back from the office there is not a single person in the alive state, thus successfully clearing out all the frustration in our system!

And this one goes out to a dear friend "Koi CHA lao yaar"

Self-evaluation?

Alright so I do realise the last post was terse to the point of infact being curt. However I would like to justify before beginning (continuing) the last part, everytime I started writing anything I ended up not putting it up so this time I did a self-evaluation and said that I am going to post this howsoever bad it may be. Now continuing this blog ...

So today the mentor has not come to work and I have my peace at ready disposal. Now nothing to do and nice songs playing what else could it transpire into. I entered the reminiscing mode and started contemplating about the present scenario with special (don't know who special is? Please read the previous post). I realise that there is no scenario which could ever be built up (this is the point where I will start debating with my better half of the mind). Days have passed since we last talked said my better half of the mind called prudent from here on. So prudent said what the hell man! Wake up from such a despondent life and get a REAL one, (now the part of mind called obsequies starts flouting everything that prudent had to say). Obsequies said Dude! blah blah blah (somethings which even I found boring) and then he plays the trump card "But you do care about her? And it's not like you could ever say that you will stop paying heed to her!" Now prudent has been knocked out of the picture and I am suddenly paying attention to obsequies. He continued "How will you know that what she wants unless you ask her?". Now he has got me all messed up so I decide I will contact special and have some sort of closure for myself. Suddenly prudent remembered "Oh, but then what about your friend (another character comes into the picture)?". Yes! friend is there but I have no clue what can be the future of the relationship with friend . Is it only me thinking something exists or there is something and the fire is burning on both ends?. So, job to be done is prudent and obsequies both have convinced me to contact two people with whom I have not been in contact for sometime now! I wake up from that surreal world and realise there is a thread of 5 e-mails waiting to be answered and two calls which have been missed because I had earphones plugged into my ears! Work to do ... Nothing has been done as usual ... Just the corporate life goes on!

Corporate life?

OK ... so I am trying to dish out a blog. Yes! me! not expected well I did not myself, however it seems that the C2H5OH is having some effect and I do want to express myself out in the world. It just so happened that today I was listening to my precious iPod (while working in the office, believe me it is essential in a company where you see hundreds of lines of code) and this song played and suddenly I remembered that this was the song that was played most during our Illumination time. I snowballed into a reminiscing mode. The song brought back memories of how it would be the time in my beloved KGP for the initial Illumination meetings and I happened to recall the fervor with which I participated in this event and left no chance of being garrulous about this event. By now you all know there must have been an insipid job running on the computer for which I was not required to be paying any attention or else I would not have this kind of freedom, anyhow I recalled this one incident where I was so loquacious about Illumination in front of a person who shall be referred to as special from here on. So in front of special I tried to be a stud obviously to flatter special, so I dished out whatever shit came in my mind about Illu as it came to my head (you know by now that I am not in the normal state) ... however this person (special) remained oblivious so I lost all hope and started talking about some "arbit" things. Now I started to think about my present scenario with special and as soon as I started contemplating about that my mentor entered and said "Are you Day-Dreaming?" ... I pulled out the ear-phone and got to back to work .Such is corporate life! Such is what it is!